Working Out The Issues
by clockstopper
Summary: Spike takes Angel's advice on something... Angel isn't too happy with the results. Can Angel overcome blackmailing secretaries, cohorting co-workers, an irritating therapist to get to the root of his problems with Spike?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Sorry, I couldn't help it. I had to start another story. I'm going to end up killing myself this way. This idea just kept bouncing around in my head and wouldn't quit. ENJOY

Distribution: Go ahead and spread it around if you think it's good. Just tell me where my baby's going first.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

Spoilers: Season five AtS 'Destiny'.

Summary: Spike finally takes Angel's advice and goes to see a therapist. Of course nothing's ever simple in Angel land and Angel himself gets roped into the psychoanalyzing mix through blackmailing secretaries, cohorting coworkers, irritating therapists and Spike's own brand of charm.

Chapter 1:

Spike's being very well behaved... I'm a little scared. Okay I'm a lot scared. Spike is by no means well behaved. He doesn't know the meaning of the word... behave that is.

It's like he can't be. He's got this little tiny switch that's always turned on to annoy. I always thought it was just his mission in unlife. He was sent here to annoy me. I guess it might be part of my penance.

But instead of acting like his normal annoying self he's been... polite, kind courteous and almost goes out of his way to do things for others. He's been... helpful. I guess the weird for Spike behavior started some times after that cup disaster.

Lots of things were said when that happened. Lots of bad history was drudged up. Stuff I would pay anything to get rid of and out of my mind. He had a point. I do look at him and see all the lives he's taken, everything that he's become, and I know it's because of me.

He's also right about the not knowing him part. I never knew him... not really. Never took the time to ask if what was happening to him was something he wanted. I just pushed him into it and he accepted with the eagerness of a fledge high on his first kill. For most minions that's all it ever is. The kill, the feed. It's all that matter, but Spike was never a minion. He was a Childe.

He still had little human quirks I would see every once in awhile and would only punish him for. Human weaknesses must be taken away, Willy. Good vampires don't write poetry, Willy. Never ending taunting until he either stopped or hid whichever quirk I was punishing him for.

I'll admit I didn't know him, but I'm pretty sure I know him now and behaving isn't in his nature. It's too much like submitting for him. He hates submitting, but there he is politely talking to Harmony about some sort of work he's doing for Wesley on the side.

Yes I know Wesley's been giving him stuff to do, but it's not violent stuff. Translating and fetching that's about it. It must have been fetching this time because he's holding a brown paper bag in his left hand.

I don't know exactly where he's living nowadays. Now that he's corporeal I see him around the office every once in awhile and whenever we pass each other it's 'Hello, Angel, how's your day going?' No Poof, no Peaches, no mean and insulting name that I'd have to growl 'Spike!' at him. Just a hello and a polite question.

It's disconcerting because I'm just waiting for him to launch some surprise attack for giving Buffy the amulet or for the whole cup business or for just looking at him funny. I always wondered if Spike might have been bi-polar before Dru turned him.

"Harmony, any messages." I ask when I walk over to his desk.

I ask this every morning and then we go over everything that's supposed to happen everyday. Woo Hoo!... not.

"Nope, Bossy. Not a single one." She says utterly too cheery for this early in the morning.

"Any mail?"

"Nope nothing."

"Any meetings?"

"Nope you're all clear for the day." She says and I see something in her eyes. Something that says she's withholding something from me, but I'm too uninterested to care.

"All right I'll be in my office." I say and I know I should say hi to Spike who's standing there probably expecting a hi, but I'm still on edge here. So I walk into my office and he follows me. Yes, let the annoying Spike behavior begin. It's good to know that some things stay the same.

"What?" I ask because he's pacing up and down my office with this anxious look on his face. "I... it's... nothing." He says flouncing down into one of the chairs in my office.

He throws his leg over the arm and slouches down. He's got this preoccupied expression on his face like he wants to say something, but can't find the words.

"So... if it's nothing are you going to go?" I ask.

"Why it's not like you've got tons of paper work to file." And although this is true, he still needs to leave. It's distracting to have him here. I just want to stare at a wall for a few mindless hours.

"It doesn't matter Spike. I'm trying to think." I say.

"Win a trophy in long distance brood is more like it."

"Spike, I'm busy here. I run a business. I don't have time for your antics." I say.

"Well make time." I sigh. Well at least he's not being eerily nice.

"Spike go annoy someone else. You're not a ghost anymore. You can leave L.A leave the United States, leave the Western Hemisphere." I say.

"I knew I shouldn't have come to you. She confused me is what she's done. Talked all this medical mumbo jumbo and tinkered around with my head." He says standing up from his seat to pace around some more.

"What are you talking about?" I ask.

"Dr. Sarah Johnston. Stupid bint convinced me that if I just asked nicely... no you know what things will never be right between us Angel. No matter how hard either of us try."

"You were trying to make things right between us?" I ask.

"Well...Yeah! I was acting like a bloody poof. Saying hello and asking how your day was going." Spike says.

"You know just asking me how things are going isn't going to improve anything."

"Well at least I was trying. It takes two to tango Angelus."

"I'm not even discussing this with you Spike. You're right. We can't ever be friends. There's too much history there so why don't we just cut our loses and pretend the other doesn't exist." I say fully expecting him to leave.

It'll save me the trouble of looking over my shoulder. He turns to look at me. His anger is clearly written all over his face. He balls up his fists and then storms out of my office. Of course I barely have any time to offer thanks to the Powers before he storms back in.

"Okay I've made too much progress to let your thick head get in the way. Besides if I show up alone she's going to psychoanalyze me some more." He says.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I say utterly confused. I have no idea what he's talking about.

"Me, I'm seeing a therapist." He says.

"What?" I say. I think I didn't hear him right. He didn't just say that he's...

"I'm seeing a therapist. Sarah Johnston. Fred told me about her. Apparently she talks to all the demons about their problems. Anyway I've been seeing the stupid chit for about two months now and she said that we 'have to get to the root of the problem' whatever the bloody hell that means." He says and he's sat back done in the chair. He's taken a sudden interest in my pencils.

I'm not exactly sure how to react to this information. Spike... seeing a therapist. I have to laugh.

So I do... almost to the point of hysteria really and he's looking at me through slits and his jaw is twitching and I can't help it. It's just too funny.

"So... after all these years of kicking your ass you finally listen to me." I say after I calm down a bit. He's glaring at me with his arms folded across his chest looking very upset.

"Oh you think you're so funny. Sitting there in your big leather chair looming over everyone else. Do I have to remind you who kicked whose ass? I'm the one that ended up getting to that bloody cup so I think that means you're the one who got your ass kicked." He says.

"So, why are you telling me this. Other then the fact that it makes for a funny anecdote."

"Because apparently getting to the root of the problem means hauling you poofy over-hair gelled ass into my therapy sessions." He says and suddenly everything isn't as funny as it used to be.

"What do you mean?"

"Well Miss Psychoanalyze the shit out of everything seems to think there are unresolved issues between us that need to be resolved in order for me to lead a productive unlife." He says.

"Wait so you're asking me to go with you to your therapy session so we can... what hash out or differences and history." I say. It takes him a long time to answer this. He seems to be trying to pick his words carefully.

"Well, yeah that's the gist of it."

"Well then the answer is no."

"Why the bloody hell not!" He says jumping up and kicking the chair into my desk. I remain calm.

"Because, Spike, for me our history and our differences are just fine buried in the past. I don't need to go re-hashing them because everything's fine buried where it is. If we go and start talking about it... just look I'm not going to do it end of story."

"Fine." He says and I wait a few minutes after he leaves before I thank the Powers that he's gone. Now I can go back and brood.

I'm in a meeting, but I clearly remember Harmony telling me there weren't any meetings today. She let in whatever demon clan had a problem with whatever demon clan and while she did it there was a glare on her face. Well okay it wasn't really a glare, but it was the best glare Harmony can pull off. I think she's taking lessons from Spike. She hands me my files and is utterly too cheery to me... almost in a sarcastic way.

She smiled at me as she handed me one of the files I'm currently looking through, which is a whole lot considering she told me there wasn't anything to do today. I could see through the smile though. Harmony is not a subtle creature. As soon as she thought I was looking away she rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue.

So it's been back to back meetings not to mention tons of paperwork and Harmony acting pissy. Add that to Spike's weird display this morning and it's making for another crappy day here at Wolfram and Hart. I guess I really should learn not to expect much better.

The meeting is dragging on and on and I don't think I've heard a word they've all said. When they ask a question or want to know something about whatever it is they're having problems with I just give them the customary answer.

'Yes that's right whatever it takes'. Probably not the best idea, but at this point I don't care. They must sense something is off because they end the meeting early... or at least I think it's early. I don't really know. I shake their hands and try to look as pleasant as possible. They simply walk out of the office without another word.

I go back to my mountain of paperwork and look at the clock on my desk. 3:30 and it's nowhere near time to call it a day. Just out of weird fascination I wonder where Spike is and if he's in his little therapy session.

Fred walks into the office. She looks a bit startled to see me there. She's holding some files and is looking around the office as if there's something for her in here.

"Oh, hi Angel. I didn't know you were here." She says to me smiling shyly.

"Well it is kind of my office." I say. She does that thing where she hits herself on the head and rolls her eyes.

"Duh, Angel's office where else is Angel going to be. Not that I think you just hang around your office all day. I mean I'm sure as CEO you do a lot of important things in this office, I just didn't mean to imply that you only spend time in here... I'm going to shut up now." She says and I don't think I've heard her do that in awhile.

"It's okay Fred. Was there something you wanted?" I ask trying to remain pleasant even though I'm interested as to why she's here and why she thought I wouldn't be.

"Oh it's nothing. It can... wait." She says looking at the mountain of paperwork on my desk.

"Yeah... unless it's important." I say knowing that my hand is already going to be cramped from all the signing.

"Oh, well, it's not really THAT important. I thought you were going to be out. I'll be back later." She says as she heads out of my office.

"Fred! Wait. Is there... is something going on that I don't know about?" I ask wondering why she's so jumpy.

"What? No, of course not Angel. I just thought... well maybe you had something to do today at this moment, but I guess you don't." She says trying to leave again.

"Something like what?" I ask interested as to what they all know that I don't.

"Well... I... I don't... I mean..." She says.

"Does this have anything to do with Spike and his little... confession this morning?" I ask.

"Confession? I don't..."

"Fred I know you got him the therapist. He came in here asking me to go with him to one of his sessions... today."

"Oh well that's... not good." She says her face lighting up one minute and then frowning the next.

"I'm not going." I say in a firm voice.

"Oh! Oh... Well I guess that's your choice, Angel." She says looking a bit sad.

"What is it now?" I say.

"Oh, well I just thought that you'd want to do everything to help Spike. I mean if you're scared that Sarah's gonna mess with your brain you don't have to be. She's very professional. Told me a few things about myself I didn't even..."

"Wait you've been to see here?" I ask with a bit of incredulity in my voice.

"Well yeah. I've been with Spike. Sarah told him that it would be very productive to ask the people closest to him to come. Since all of the 'Scoobies' are away he asked me. Wesley's been to one as well. I think he took Gunn to two. They really bond those too. Anyway he's taken Harmony to one as well. They're starting to build a relationship... not the nooner kind, but a solid friendship. I guess he felt bad for the way he treated her." Fred says and I'm trying to absorb all the knowledge.

They've all gone. All of them. They've all supported him. Suddenly I feel a little guilty even though I really shouldn't because this is Spike, but they're all trying to make him part of the group. He probably is considered part of the group considering they've all taken an interest in his life. More then I have that's for sure.

"So... you've all gone." I say not really knowing what else to say.

"Yup. It's really not that bad, Angel. I mean she doesn't jump on you or anything. I thought she was going to make me lie down and look at inkblots. Not one ink blot. I mean if that's why you don't want to go then you shouldn't..."

"Has everyone gone INSANE! This is Spike we're talking about here. This is a hundred years of bad memories and even worse history. Anyone consider that maybe that stuff should be left buried rather then dissected?" I say and I know I'm yelling at her, but it's so insane. All of this is insane. She looks a bit perplexed that I'm yelling at her.

"Oh, well, um... that's nice Angel." She says trying to placate me.

She's backing away even faster then before and is out the door before I can apologize. I sigh in frustration. I wish this day would end.

"Here's your blood, bossy. Made especially for you. It's pig." Harmony says to me when she walks into the office. She's holding more paperwork and I groan.

"More papers to sign?" I ask.

"Yup, all for you. I guess I was wrong when I said you had nothing." She says, but she doesn't look like she's sympathetic towards me.

"Yeah well just... pile it on." I say with a sigh in my voice.

"You know... there's a way to make it go away." Harmony says and I look up at her with an interested face.

"What?"

"Go to the therapy session." She says with a smile on her face.

Great even my secretary is against me. My secretary. I pay her for crying out loud.

"No, no, no, no, no! You're supposed to be on my side!" I say and it's a little childish sounding, but she is.

"Sorry, bossy, but that's the way it goes. You're being mean and really I don't know why blon... Spike wants you there, but he does and well... he's my friend and I'm going to do what I can to help him. Even if it means stacking thousands of papers on your desk and going against you." Harmony says and this is really low. This is the lowest Spike's ever gone. This is utterly low. This it pits of hell low.

"Harmony, if all this is busy work..."

"Oh it's not busy work. It's work work, but I can make it go away really fast. Oh and don't threaten me Angel, I've got people working with me." She says and whoa that was way more menacing then I give her credit for.

"You're seriously going to blackmail me into going to this thing?" I ask and she just nods her head.

"I won't be bullied into going to Spike's therapy session. That's just... crazy!"

"Fine have it your way. I'll be coming in here with more paperwork soon. Better not let it pile up." Harmony says walking out of my office.

More paperwork. I've got a small mountain already sitting on my desk not to mention the papers on the side of my desk. And there will be more. Undoubtedly till my eyes fall out from reading over the tiny print. Usually I wouldn't read it, but Gunn is elusive as of right now.

He reads it and tells me what to sign. But he's not here. And neither is Wesley or Fred and Harmony will certainly be of no help. So I'm stuck for an infinite amount of hours signing papers until my eyes bleed and my hand falls off. Of course there's a simple way to solve this. Of course that way is crazy and it means I'm giving in, but...

"Harmony!" I scream. She comes in looking utterly too pleased with herself.

"Here you go boss. Suite 513 in the Caremore building. Your JPS navigation system is already tuned to go there. Have a nice time." She says smiling at me.

I really hate this job.

It takes thirty minutes to get to the... Caremore building. It's impressive. Not as overbearing or big as the Wolfram and Hart offices, but nice all the same. It stands straight up and has Caremore written in big letters across the top. It's still and green and the underground parking garage is totally sheltered from sunlight, which makes me a little edgy. What if this place is like totally demonic?

Of course I don't think Fred would send Spike to a place like that, but it's creepy to think about. I walk over to the elevator and press the five. It dings and the doors close. It takes about thirty seconds before the doors open again and I walk out into the big hallway.

I walk down looking around a bit for signs of demonic activity. Just to be on the safe side. It seems safe. Just like a normal office building. Quiet and everything. I walk to Suite 513 and go inside. The secretary is sitting in front of the door. The room is big enough that I can tell it's a waiting area. There's only one door in the office. Must be the therapy area or something. I look back at the secretary. She looks like she's actually working. I'd like one of those.

"Hello how may I help you?" She asks in a polite tone. She's typing and I think she's listening to someone talk because she's got those headset thingies.

"Um... I'm here to see Sarah Johnston." I say.

"She's still in with her three o'clock, Sir. If you just sit and have a seat she'll be done soon. Your name?" She asks as she types away on the computer. Not once has she looked at the screen or at the keys.

"Um... actually I'm here to see... well it's a funny thing because a... well friend isn't the right word to use, more like pain in my ass... anyway he said to come here and go to his therapy session with him." I say and maybe that was too much information.

She just stares at me with big brown eyes as she types away.

"Oh, you mean Mr. Spike. Well he said someone might come. I had given up hope that you would. Their hour is almost up. Anyway just go inside. I'm sure they're waiting for you." She says going back to her work.

She starts to actually look at the screen. Okay well I guess I better go in before they come out and I'm just standing here like an idiot. Shouldn't be that bad. Well here goes nothing.

A/N: The Caremore building is real and based on my office building. That underground parking structure is really scary to walk through at night and I swear the therapist next to me is so modern some times. Chanting blankets and herbal things... I don't even now what chanting blankets are. Okay so I left it at a cliffhanger. Had to be done. Hope I got the voice right. I usually doubt my Angel voice. Next up the actual therapy session and bickering Spike and Angel! PLEASE REVIEW!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hey folks! Nother chappy for the masses! Thank you to all the reviewers: Imzadi- I was thinking about putting Lindsey in some how... I'm just not sure how. Thanks to Higgy, SpikedAngel, garnet, AmethystxX, AmavelBel, and kel77 for saying I do a pretty good job with the Angel voice. Helped overcome fears! Okay so ENJOY!

Distribution: Go ahead and spread it around if you think it's good. Just tell me where my baby's going first.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

Spoilers: Season five AtS 'Destiny'.

Chapter 2:

This room is really blue. The walls are blue, the carpet's blue, the furniture is blue, hell even the desk is blue. It's all... blue.

There are two people in the room. One is a homely looking woman. She's wearing what I can only call a muumuu in bright floral print. She has brown hair which is up in a bun and she's wearing big owl like glasses.

She's looking at me with a pleased expression. Spike, who's sitting in a chair not to far from the woman's is looking very shocked. He didn't think I was coming. Hell I can't blame him I didn't even think I was coming, but here I am.

"Well you must be Angel. I've seen that delightful Wolfram and Hart commercial you did. May I say... you're not good in front of the camera. And apparently you're far from punctual. William here thought you weren't coming at all." She says to me in a condescending tone.

Where exactly does she get off? Not only is she putting me down for that commercial, which I didn't want to do in the first place, but she's also calling Spike William. Only I call him William... or at least that's how it was.

Part of me is angry and then part of me is guilty for feeling angry. Guilty for thinking I want Spike to mean something to me and guilty for feeling bad that he's not.

"Yeah... um, loads of paperwork." I say taking a seat next to Spike.

"I imagine there would be, what with running a major corporation such as Wolfram and Hart. Very prestigious. Although you'll excuse me if I seem a little put off. I handle good peaceful demons not the kind your firm represents. Of course, William here was told me that you don't deal with those demons anymore. That you're a good vampire. I had heard of you, from other demons. Imagine my surprise to find out you were running Wolfram and Hart." She says and I look over at Spike who's avoiding me.

"I was surprised myself." I mutter.

"Well, let's not dwell on that. We're here for William's sake. Now let's go over what we've talked about. William here has been kind enough to tell me his life story... in complete detail with nothing left out. I felt it necessary to bring in someone from his past. Mainly you because... well let's face it a lot of problems stem from your involvement." She says going over her notes. If my jaw twitches it's only because she's so damn arrogant. It's not because I angry with myself for being a bad Sire.

"Problems?" I say in a terse voice.

"Yeah apparently I've got 'parental issues." Spike says using air quotes.

"Parental issues?" I say.

"Well I didn't quite phrase it like that. More along the lines of trust issues. He doesn't trust anyone anymore." The doctor explains to me as if I'm a four-year-old.

"Well yeah that's because they're all out to get me." Spike says in a vehement tone.

"He's also very paranoid. As you can see he's just a bundle of issues and problems. A therapist's wet dream really." She says.

"Yeah I've been telling him that ever since I met him." I say. "Oh piss off. Didn't you hear what she said? It's all your fault. It's cause you weren't a good daddy."

He says the last word in a too sweet tone. "I'm not going to apologize for something I did in my past. It's in the past." I say. "We aren't here to hear you apologize. We're here to see why you weren't a good Sire." This doctor is very annoying. She's getting on my nerves. If I wasn't evil...

"I WAS a good Sire." I say.

"Oh yeah when you were around you were the best... as long as I didn't look at you funny."

"Penn didn't have a problem with it. Dru didn't have a problem with it." I say suddenly realizing I'm defending someone I'm supposed to hate.

"They were insane." He says to me matter of fact. I glare at him because that's all I can do. I certainly can't defend Angelus's actions and I can't really apologize for them where Spike is concerned.

"Well now, we're talking. That's good. What concerns me the most is why you felt you had to do all those things you did as William's Sire. Why are you so shut off and boarded?" She asks me.

"I thought you were psychoanalyzing Spike, not me."

"Well in a sense we really can't psychoanalyze one without the other. He's a part of you Angel, an extension if you will. To understand his nature I must first understand yours." She says and she doesn't really expect me to buy all this crap. Spike seems to be eating it up with a silver spoon.

"He's my GRANDCHILDE! He's not me real Childe." I say though that's a lie.

I may not have turned Spike, but I WAS his Sire. "I may not know much about vampire relationships, but I'm pretty sure that you were... a surrogate Sire. William certainly thinks you were. He refers to you as Sire." She says and Spike winces.

Oh what's that WILLIAM didn't want me to know that you're still a Childe deep down.

"Was that necessary?" He asks.

"Yes if it helps the process. Now as I was saying, why are you the way you are." She says addressing me.

Huh, I don't know. Why was I such an asshole back then? I certainly never thought about it. Never brooded on it. Never gave it a thought. I just was a... monster. I was a monster because that's what I was.

"I didn't have a soul. I couldn't love or feel stuff. That's why I was the way I was." I say giving her the answer I've given everyone at one point or another.

"But that's a lie isn't. Certainly felt something when you were torturing the hell out of me... among other things." Spike says to me.

"That... I mean..."

What do I mean? What am I going to say to him? Yes I guess it was some sort of twisted demon affection, but that's all. Does he want that? Well I certainly can't give it to him.

"Angel, it's okay that you don't have an answer for your behavior. We're here to help you figure out why exactly it is that you acted as you did to William."

"Stop calling him that." I mutter.

"Excuse me?" She asks as if she didn't hear me.

"I said stop calling him that. That... name... just don't say it anymore." I say.

"Does it remind you of something. A bad time perhaps... or maybe even a good one?" She asks.

"I just don't like hearing that name." I say.

"Come on now, Angel. There most be a reason as to why that name bothers you so much."

"It just does okay. It brings back all the memories from the past that I'd rather leave buried. This all brings up too many memories from the past. What's wrong with the way things are?" I say and I get up to pace.

I run my fingers through my hair, which I always try to avoid, but I can't help it. All this is making me a little uneasy. I don't like to think about all the things I did with Spike because that would just mean more stuff to brood over.

"Perhaps we should come back to that later. It seems you aren't quite ready to understand your problems. Why don't you tell him what's on your mind... Spike." She says looking at Spike.

"I... I don't even want him to be here. You're the nosy bint who seems to think it will help." Spike says as he folds his arms over his chest.

"It would be most helpful if you told Angel how you feel about him." She's coaxing him and he seems to be lapping that up as well. Always wants attention, yup that's Spike. He's got to be in the center of everything kicking and screaming.

"Why don't you say it as though he wasn't here. Maybe that would help." She says to him. Well I could not be here just so easily, but my secretary threatened to keep me signing papers for the rest of forever.

"O-okay. Um... well I guess I'd tell him about... you know when he left... I'd tell him about how hard it was for me and Dru to live with the Bitch and how I always hated him for that." Spike says fidgeting in his chair.

Well what the hell did he expect me to do? Did he really think I'd stay after getting my soul? I couldn't even look at him let alone stay there for him.

"Wasn't all bad times. I mean most of the time I liked what was happening, but... it was just wrong of him to leave."

"Oh, what I was supposed to stay and watch you kill all those people." I say sarcastically.

"Well I only did it because it's what you taught me!"

"Right, so you would have just given up killing people just so 'daddy' could stay with you. I doubt that."

"You never gave me a choice. You never told me what was happening. 'Oh I guess that makes you one of us', well it bloody well did, didn't it? Except at that time you weren't one of us. Could have at least told me what was going on. All you said was 'Oh don't worry about it Sweet William. I'm back now. Everything's gonna be fine'. Load of shit is what that was. You could have just told me."

"What was I supposed to tell you! I thought it was going to be all right. I was sick of going around eating rats and feeling guilty. I thought if I just got back to the family I'd be fine. I was wrong. Big whoop!"

"Oh the Great and Mighty Angel was wrong. That's a first... not. You were always wrong only now at least you're man enough to admit it."

"What do you want me to say? That I was a bad Sire? That I was a piece of shit? I'm not apologizing to a soulless... I mean, I'm not apologizing to you!" I say the good doctor is just writing everything down absorbing the knowledge of our past.

It seems like all Spike and I do is argue about stupid things. I just don't know what he wants from me and I don't know that I could give it to him.

"Why? You go around apologizing to everyone else. Oh boo hoo feel sorry for me because I'm a lousy wanker. Isn't that where your mighty superhero act comes from?" He says to me.

"I save people because it's the right thing to do. You save people for all the wrong reasons." I say.

"Why, because I'm not trying to get the brass ring?"

"That's all you're after. That's all you're ever after. Maybe it's not the chance to be human but it sure is for some time of reward."

"Buffy's long gone. There I said her name. She's all the way across the freaking ocean. She can't see anything I'm doing at yet you still think it's all about her. I am my own person... um vampire you know. I do things without ulterior motives some times."

"No, Spike you always have ulterior motives." I say.

"Are you even listening to a bleeding word I'm saying?"

"You do, whether it's because of Buffy or something else... you don't do things to make you happy because you're too hung up on pleasing others." I say. Spike looks at me with a confused expression. Yeah the truth can be confusing sometimes, Spike. Deal with it.

"Well, Angel now that we know why Spike does things... why do you. What motivates your actions?" I look up to see Dr. Johnston looking at me expectantly.

What does she mean what are my motives. I just told her. I do it because it's the right thing to do. There's no other reason then that.

"Is it penance? Self-flagellation? Do you enjoy being so empty?" She says.

Okay I really want to rip her head off. I just... I know what she's trying to do. She's messing with my head. There's nothing wrong about why I fight. I'm not the selfish one, Spike is.

"I do it because it's the right thing to do. It's... I fight the good fight because it's what I'm supposed to do."

"But what do you get out of it? Does it make you feel better about yourself? Does it give you any joy? Does it make other people like you? It's human nature to want to please others, Angel. Pleasing others pleases yourself." She says.

"I save people. I've saved the world." I say a little petulantly.

"Almost had it sucked into hell once too." Spike mutters.

"I was EVIL when I did that."

"No, Angel you just weren't restrained." He says to me.

I hope I looked shocked because I am shocked. The little bastard didn't just say that to me. I'm a good... I'm good with my soul and when I don't have it is when I go off the deep end and he has the nerve to tell me that that... that Angelus is me. Angelus is not me.

"I am not Angelus. I'm Angel. There's a difference."

"Where Angel? Ever think that the reason you spent all those years drinking rats and brooding was because you knew deep down in your soul that it was you." Spike says.

"You have no idea what I went through. You don't know why I was the way I was when I got my soul back."

"And I'm not trying to. I'm trying to figure out why you were how you were when you didn't have it. If Angelus can't tell me then I might as well see if the soul can." Spike says. He really just wants to know why I treated him so badly. The thing is... I don't know. I really don't know why.

"I can't help you with that Spike. I just did it. That's just how I was taught." I say.

"Exactly!" the doctor yells almost at the top of her lungs.

"It's conditioning. It's the way you were brought up. You are just repeating your father's mistakes."

"I AM NOTHING LIKE MY FATHER!" I yell at her and maybe I was talking too loud.

Maybe I should have been a bit less adamant or angry. They're looking at me with big eyes and surprised looks.

"He has daddy issues." Spike says quietly.

Sarah Johnston just shakes her head and writes something down.

"I DO NOT have father issues." I say and okay that's a lie. Even I know that one is a lie because I did have issues with my father. Darla was right. He's defeat over me is lasting a lifetime, several in fact. That doesn't mean I have to let Spike state it to the world.

"Of course you do Angel. Even I knew about that. May not have been told much, but at least I knew that. Sire issues too. You're more screwed up then I am when you really think about it." Spike says.

"I am not screwed up. I'm just fine. You're the one that's making a big deal about it. You're the one who's got problems." I say.

"But as I've said before, Spike is an extension of you. Most children are extensions of their parents. You shape them and mould them and teach them your own values. They take their cues from you despite their rebellious nature. Kids are their own person, but their minds are shaped by what the parents do. It's the same way with Spike and you. Now lets talk about the sexual relationship." She says as though she were talking about apples and oranges. Where the hell did that come from?

"What?"

"The sex. The fact that you've had a more intimate relationship with Spike besides the Sire/Childe thing." Dr. Johnston says.

"Um, doc, that's kind all part of it." Spike says and if I didn't know any better I'd say that he was embarrassed.

"No sex is different, despite still being a part of the Sire/Childe relationship. From the stories you've told me some times it just wasn't about 'performing a duty'." She says.

"I don't wanna talk about this." I say because wow it's been a while since I thought about sex with Spike.

It's been awhile since I've thought about sex with anyone. Sex with Spike though... that was different. He's really the only guy I've ever... done that with. There was Penn, but he was... it just wasn't the same.

"He's such the prude nowadays. Used to be a bit of a tart. Sex with whatever was handy. Now he can't cause he's all cursed and broody." Spike says.

"I just don't think that that's really something we showed talk about." I say.

"But it is a part of the deal. You two had an intimate relationship that didn't have to do with the Sire/Childe one. Do you like having sex with Spike?"

"Well that's kind of personal..."

"Did you?" She asks again.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I say yes and Spike starts to gloat about how he's Mister Sex God like he used to back in the old days. Little shit could get on my last nerve with that. Just because he gave a good blow-job... no not going to think about that.

Of course if I say no then he's going to be upset, which I really shouldn't care about, but he's looking at me expectantly. I never lied to Spike about the sex. My mouth would run on and on after. It was the bad side-effect to sex with Spike.

It was ALWAYS mind-blowing. Whether it was a blow-job or a hand-job or a full on fuck it was always good. And maybe my saying that went to his head a bit... gave him an ego when it comes to sex. He certainly does like to act like he's the King when it comes to it.

"Yes I liked having sex with Spike, so what." I say really fast so that I don't have to think about what I'm saying.

Spike doesn't smirk. He just nods his head in a very un-Spikelike way. Hmm, I wonder why that is.

"I think what we have here is communication problems. Spike seems to think that the sex part was the only thing you were good at." The Doctor says to me.

Okay so yeah we were pretty good at that. When it came right down to it we were always good at that. Of course sex isn't a cure-all like Spike says. It certainly isn't now. Maybe if I were Angelus it would be. It definitely isn't now.

"So..."

"Yeah so?" Spike chips in as if he doesn't see the problem with two people only connecting on a sexual level... oh.

"It's not H-E-A-L-T-H-Y." She says slowly and sounds out every word of healthy. It really isn't healthy.

"I've got a solution. Why doesn't Spike just stay away from me. Or better yet he could leave California." I say.

"Angel when the dust clears and all is said and done you two will still be here. Not only are you vampires... your family." She says to me.

"Well what do you want me to say. There's too much... shit there for everything to turn out all hunky dory." I say and Spike's eyes widen. The doctor sighs.

"That's what we're trying to work through. There's issues there that you need to deal with. I can only guide you as to what those are. First, you don't communicate. Second, when you do communicate I see a pattern of sex, maybe not now, but certainly in the past. Third, neither of you are happy or even close to normal. There's a relationship here whether you want to acknowledge it or not. I suggest that you think about what that means." She says to me and Spike. He's looking down at his hands.

"Now, it is far past the time of a regular session, but I'm going to let that pass. What I really is to spend more time with you two so I'm going to ask you to come back next session, Angel." She says to me. I'm about to object, but she waves a finger at me.

"Listen, it's hard for people to admit that they have problems, but we all do. It's even harder to ask for help. I think deep down you two want to work things out because things feel too unresolved. It's all about closure. So I'm not asking I'm saying, Angel. If not for Spike's sake then for your own. I'd also like it if you two went out some where... public and tried to talk. It might do you a lot of good. This session is over." She says waving her hand at us. Spike says goodbye and walks out of the door. I follow him.

"You actually believe this." I ask him.

"What's not to believe. It makes sense to me." He says.

"You actually think that going to a therapist is going to makes you feel better about yourself?"

"No, but its going to help. Look Angel I'm not like you and I pray to whatever that I'm not because... well the nancy boy hair gel alone... that's not the point though. The point is that I know I'm screwed up. At least I'm vamp enough to admit it." Spike says flashing me a toothy grin.

"Yeah well normal creatures of the night don't go around talking to therapists." I mumble.

"I'm not exactly normal. And neither are you. It's one or the other Angel. Either you're a terrible blood-sucking vampire or you're a hair gel superhero. Can't have it both ways cause then it's just excuses." Spike says and he really is into all the psychobabble.

"This is crazy Spike. This whole thing is crazy. I'm not... I don't wanna discuss my past." I say.

"Well I want to discuss mine and you just happen to be IN my past. Didn't think she was going to bring up the sex thing though... not so early anyway. She was always saying that every time I talked about you, you were either beating the shit out of me or fucking me. She may have a point." Spike says.

"What exactly did you tell her?" I ask because I wasn't ready for an assault like that and I want to be prepared... if there's a next time. I'm not saying there will be. It's just... good to be prepared.

"A lot... mostly the bad stuff. Especially when I was mad. I told her some of the... good times."

"Good times?" I ask because I was under the impression he thought that were all bad times.

"Yeah you know... St. Petersburg, Rome, that bit in France. Basically all the times Dru and Darla were out of the picture." He says. I didn't know he considered those good times. It was mostly sex, but apparently everything with me and Spike is either sex or fighting. It was... peaceful from what I could remember.

"Oh, those good times."

"It wasn't ALL bad Angel. There were some things that were... less bad. I'm not saying you were a bad Sire. Just... textbook, especially around Darla." He says to me. I was a textbook Sire? How could I be when they barely even had textbooks back then.

"That wasn't me Spike. I can't be him." I say.

"Well that's the difference between you and me, isn't it. I don't make distinctions on the soul and the vampire me. To tell you the truth... it was all me. Some part of it. I was never cut out for the blood and mayhem of it all. I enjoyed it as much as the next vampire only cause it didn't matter. Humans didn't matter. It was all about power. Sometimes power doesn't corrupt Angel... some times it just gets old." He says to me.

We stand there for a few minutes because what he just say shakes the very foundation of what I believe so readily in. The soul and the demon... they're separate, but for Spike they're the same.

What if they're the same for me? Do I really want to know?

"See you at Mulligan's. Probably tomorrow. Some time around seven. They serve some pretty good appetizers. None as good as that onion blossom thing, but pretty good." He says with a smile on his face.

"I don't..."

"Ask Wes, he'll tell you. I gotta go. Stuff to do. You know." He says and with that he's out of the office leaving me to stand there like a doof.

A/N: So, what do you think. I think I'll be in Angel POV the whole time. It's interesting trying to think like him. I've only ever done a long with POV with Spike so it's gonna be a journey. PLEASE REVIEW!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hey folks! This chapter was down in one night... last night. My work gave me two days off this week for some reason. Anyway here you go. Thanks to all the reviewers for reviewing. You guys ROCK. ENJOY!

Distribution: Go ahead and spread it around if you think it's good. Just tell me where my baby's going first.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

Spoilers: Season five AtS 'Destiny'.

Chapter 3:

Okay Mulligan's is a colorful place. It seems to be a half demon half-human bar. Something like Caritas only less bright. There's no karaoke machine, which I guess I'm grateful for, but it's not what I expected. I mean Wesley's been here with him and I just thought it would be something more... British and less demon. Of course it's more of Spike's type of hang out I guess.

Wesley didn't blink an eye when I asked him how to get here. To be honest he had the address already written down. He just handed it to me and told me that he had a ton of work to do when I stood there looking a bit shocked.

I've been sitting in this uncomfortable bar stool for at least fifteen minutes. He's late, but what's new with Spike. He can never show up on time for anything. Of course he did say he probably would show up. He better because I didn't want to com here for nothing. I could be at home... sleeping or doing something more important than this.

"Hey stranger. Care to buy a girl a drink?"

I look to my side to see a girl... no make that a vampire slinking up against me. She's got raven colored hair and emerald green eyes. She's wearing the skimpiest outfit I've ever seen and I've seen a lot. She's batting her eyelashes at me in what I guess is supposed to be a charming way, but it looks like she's got something in her eye.

"No, that's okay." I say going back to my whisky. I see her pout in the corner of my eye. I really should kill her and half of the people in this place, but some how I don't think that's the best way to announce my presence.

"Oh come on. I know I'm new at this whole seduction thing, but you could at least give a girl points for trying." She says to me.

"You're not a girl."

"Yeah well you're not exactly a real boy either."

"Look you don't wanna talk to me. You don't wanna try and get into my pants. It's not a pretty sight."

"Looks pretty good from where I'm standing." She says and I can feel her eyes looking me over. I've noticed it a few times before with women. "Really I'm here waiting for someone." I say.

"Well aren't we all?" She asks me all with what I can only describe as a 'duh' expression on her face.

"I'm waiting for a specific someone. Maybe you know him. About yeah high. Leather coat, bleached hair, and an annoying personality." I say.

"You had me till the annoying part. Depressing is more like it. Guy comes in here at least three times a week and just sits at the bar and stares at his drink. I've tried to hit on him a few times, but got nothing. Guess this explains it." She says.

"What do you mean?" I ask. "Why don't you tell me? You're the one that's waiting for him." She says.

"It's not like that... it used to be like that, but its not like that anymore. This is just therapy."

"Is that what they're calling it nowadays."

I sigh. Why does everyone seem to think that Spike and I are having sex?

"Really it's not like that." "Sure it isn't. Should have known you were gay. All the good looking ones are."

"I'm not gay!"

"No, he was just born this poofy." I turn around to see Spike standing behind me.

"You're late."

"Yeah and fashionably so. Tammy, why are you hitting on the poof. Well running that dry?" Spike asks her. She makes a face at him and flips him off.

"It just so happens there are plenty of guys that want me. You're just weird is all. I bet if I looked a little bit more like him you'd give me the time of day." Tammy says pointing to me. Spike smirks at her.

"If wishes were horses." He says which seems to piss her off more.

"Whatever. Have your gay sex. See if I care." She says storming off. Spike sits in the seat that she was sitting in and orders a beer. The bartender gives him one and Spike pulls out a bottle opener from his jacket.

"Always let vampires get away." I ask.

"She's really not that dangerous. One of those ugly duckling daddy wasn't there I'm going to shag everything that walks to find that father figure. We seem to have a lot in common." He says.

"She's a vampire Spike."

"She's needier then Harmony, Angel."

"Fine, whatever. Let her go off and kill people. You're a real hero."

"I didn't see you tripping over your feet to stake her. Course I wouldn't blame you. Chit's like the village bicycle. Tried to play coy I bet." Spike says.

"I didn't want a whole bar of demons to know I was fighting for the good side." I say.

"Well neither did I. They aren't all bad demons. The occasional bad ass comes in, but that's it. Most are harmless."

"Except the vampires." I say.

"Well, yeah, I guess. Look we didn't come here to discuss this stuff. We came here to discuss... us."

"What's there to discuss? I told you how it is. I don't know why you keep dragging me in with your stupid schemes." I say.

"Look I thought we came to an understanding. I've got issues, you've got issues. We can both get rid of those issues if you try."

"I don't have issues. My only issue is you!" I yell at him.

"Exactly and my only issue is you!" He yells back at me.

"What problems do you have with me Spike! How did I screw you over?" I ask.

"Oh just by existing! Geez, Angel, you really don't feel bad about anything you did to me?" He asks and his voice is so small. I didn't know he could sound so... wait yes I did. I just thought that that person was long gone.

"I didn't say that. I'm not saying that." I say.

"Then what are you saying because whatever it is you're doing a helluva a good job NOT saying it." He says to me.

"I don't know... okay I don't know."

"Oh that can't happen. Angel knows everything. Angel's the bloody hero. Angel will solve all your fucking problems and save the girl and keep the poofy hair. Never used to be the strong silent type, Angelus, don't start now." He says.

I throw him a glare for good measure. He calls me Angel, for the most part anyway. Some times it's poof or something equally degrading, but for the most part it's Angel. He only says Angelus when he wants to get my attention. Well, guess what Spikey you've got it.

"What do you want me to do Spike? Apologize for treating you like an evil soulless thing. Sorry, you de..."

"Don't you dare say I deserved it Angel. Make up you're bleeding mind. You tortured me so I could be a monster and now you're saying I deserved it because I was a monster. What the fuck!" He says.

"I never made you anything you didn't want to be."

"Bullshit! I was made to be Dru's little plaything and I know it, but I lasted much longer then you thought I was going to last. Final started taking a sick interest in me after I was still around by a year didn't you. I was your little hunting partner for as long as it would last, but when I lasted is when you really started to get bothered."

"I wasn't bothered by you." I say to him and he gives me a perplexed look.

"That was you not bothered. Bloody hell I'd like to see how you are with people you are annoyed with."

"Did I treat you like that much of a shit? I thought you said there were good times?"

"Well, yeah, but those were few and far between. Come on Angel either you were on my ass for being too human or you were on my ass for being too good a vampire or you were literally just one my ass." He says.

He has no problem discussing everything in our past. Including the sex, which was... okay it, was good, but like Dr. Sarah Johnston said it can't be the only thing between us. Not that I want there to be anything between us... not that there is anything between us. Just a hundred or so years of bad history.

"Spike I was evil. I did bad things when I was evil. If you want me to apologize for something I did a hundred years ago then fine I'll apologize. I'm sorry for treating you so badly when I was Angelus." I say.

"Bloody hell forget a hundred years ago. I'm talking mostly about six years ago." He says.

Six years ago. That wasn't what I thought he was talking about. Didn't he say I was a bad Sire? That would mean he was talking about how is was when I raised him. I wasn't raising him six years ago. Hell I wasn't even... oh.

"You mean in Sunnydale."

"For the most part you were a good Sire. Tough, but fuck Darla was around. I saw how she treated you. Not much better then a piece of shit in her perfectly cut lawn unless she was looking for some violent kill or fuck. That's all behind me really. I mean yeah you were an asshole and I still hate you for that, but you were nothing like the old Angelus six years ago. You were... meaner." He says.

"I was?"

"Oh come on you must have noticed some change. I mean you never used to be that bad." He says.

Great now he has me brooding. I didn't notice a difference. I seemed like the same evil bastard to me. I mean it's all still kind of hazy, but I seemed like the same me. A little obsessed with Buffy, but still pretty much the same. Now I'm told I was worse.

"I used to think if Darla wasn't around you'd be... I don't know... nicer. That she was the cause of it all. Used to curse her name all the time hoping some lucky peasant would just stake her good and proper so she'd be dust in the wind. Suddenly I realize I was lucky to have Darla there. She may have wanted to kill me most of the time, but she kept you occupied. You needed me around to keep Dru in line so you and the bitch could fuck like bunnies. So when there's no Darla there it's worse isn't it. She's not there to keep you from torturing me. You can devote all your attention to it. Funny how I thought that's what I wanted when I was a fledge." He says.

"Spike it wasn't like that. Whatever I did to you in Sunnydale... I don't even remember most of it, but the parts I do remember... I didn't do those things to hurt you. I did them because I could." I say.

"You hurt me because you could? That doesn't sound like an apology, Angel."

"I thought we weren't apologizing?" I say. Ha take that. I'm using your own psychobabble against you.

"Okay fair enough. No apologizing. Though you have to do the most when it does come time to apologize. You say you don't remember, fine let me remind you. Let me remind you of all those nights you used to fuck Dru till she bled and was screaming for you to stop. Let me remind you of those times you'd tip me over off of my chair and even when I would beg you to put me back even tried to seduce you into doing it you'd just stand there and laugh." He stopped to take a drink of is beer.

"Let me remind you how you used to fuck me. How you used to make me bleed and scream. How you used to humiliate me and never once gave me any of your blood so I could stay your little whipping boy. How you used to let the minions... just so you could hurt them because I was too beaten to 'play' with. Yeah you were the same Angelus you were back in the day... and I'm the bloody queen of England." He says and emotion is right on his face. I really honestly don't remember much of what happened in Sunnydale. It's a just a blur of blood and screams and death. I guess I just never realized how many of those screams were from Spike.

"You humiliated me and made me feel like less of what I was just because you had issues. Well guess what the apple never falls far from the tree and neither do the problems."

"I... I don't know what to say. I'd never do those things now."

"You know sometimes I wish you would. Because this," He says motioning between the two of us.

"This is just sad. Two vampires who used to be somewhat friends don't even know how to act with each other. You're so busy brooding you don't even notice I'm around. At least when you were torturing me I knew you knew I was there."

"What the fuck! What is it you want me to feel sorry for Spike. Torturing you or not paying attention to you? Do you even know?" I ask.

"No I don't know. I don't know what I want. I just... there was something there. There was always something there between us Angel. Do you remember France?" He asks.

That's a loaded question. I was there twice with Spike. Once with the girls and once when it was just the two of us. Darla and Dru had left to be with the Master. I had refused to go because I hated seeing him. Spike was too young to be viewed by the Master so we stayed in Whales. Of course the weather got bad there and Spike had some how talked me into going to France. He always did like France.

Flashback

Okay here's where the story got a little to smutty for I thought I could some how edit it, but there was no way. I had to take out the whole flashback scene if I want to stay on here. But don't fear... the whole thing can be viewed on my website which can been found in my profile cause for some insane reason the address doesn't show up here when I type it out. Must have something to do with formatting. That should take you right to all the smutty goodness.

End Flashback

"And then we rode off into the non-existent sunset and shagged until the girls came back. Then you started to acting like an asshole again." Spike says and suddenly I'm vaulted back into the present.

"It was a nice night." I say in a low voice.

"Yeah it was. One of my best. I thought I was the Big Bad until you knocked me down a peg. I always thought you did it to piss me off. I never knew just how young I was back then."

"So what are we doing here Spike. I'm not exactly sure. You're the one who's been doing this therapy thing longer."

"Well we certainly can't focus on only the good despite what we'd like. There was just too much bad to focus only on that." Spike says.

"I'm not sure what you want from me. I was who I was. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I acted like such a prick when the girls were around, but I did. If it makes you feel any better he did care about you... in some weird vampire way." I say.

"I always knew that, Angel. I always knew that my Sire cared. That's why it was so hard for me when he just took off. That's why it was so hard for me when he came back again only to have him different."

"Geez how many issues do you have."

"A lot. Too many to count. I'm not exactly sure what I want from you Angel." He said.

"If you're not sure then why invite me to your therapy session."

"The Doc said it was a good idea. Apparently she didn't trust us to work out the issues ourselves. Thought things might come to blows."

"It's the way with us."

"We're either fighting or fucking right. That's the popular conception anyway."

"I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what I want from you. I didn't think I wanted anything from you." I say.

"And now."

"We have issues Spike. I was joking when I said that you needed a therapist, but... my way isn't working and we can't just pretend the other doesn't exist. We sort of do the same thing unlife wise. Maybe this... therapist idea isn't so bad." I say and I know I'm caving and I hate every minute of it, but he's right. I wonder what there is to the Angelus of Sunnydale being different from the one that Spike knew. Maybe he's on to something.

"Uh huh. Course brooding really isn't working for you. Caving, it's something that I never thought I'd see you do."

"I've changed Spike."

"Yeah well so have I." Spike says and for the first time since he came to us from that amulet I'm starting to see just how much he's changed.

"I have to go. Things to do, you know how it is. If you decide to go to the next session with the Doc then it's at three on Wednesdays. Come don't come. It's up to you." He says putting down some change for his beer. He gets up from his bar stool and walks to the door.

"Angel?"

"Yeah." I say turning towards him.

"Is it just Angelus that cared?" He asks me.

"I... I don't know. Get back to me on that one."

A/N: I hope everyone enjoyed. Please review. Hope you all went to the site. I know, it's annoying to have to do something like that, but when there's just too much smut that things are considered NC-17 I know I can't post it. All right please review.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry for the wait. Here's another chapter. ENJOY!

Distribution: Go ahead and spread it around if you think it's good. Just tell me where my baby's going first.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

Spoilers: Season five AtS 'Destiny'.

Chapter 4:

Harmony's looking at me oddly. I'm not sure why… oh wait yes I am. It's Wednesday. Wednesday equals Spike and his crazy therapy sessions. Though they haven't said anything outright I know they want me to go. Am I going to go? I haven't exactly decided on that as of right now. I should go I mean after everything that happened at the bar. I want to go, but… part of me wants to go and the other part says that I shouldn't go.

I'm torn between going and not going. I mean it's not me that's screwed up… or is it. Is Spike the way he is issues and all because of me? Dr. Johnston said that despite our best judgement we pass our problems down to our kids or whatever. She said I had father issues. I DO NOT have father issues.

Okay so maybe I have some father issues. That's no ones business but mine if I have father issues. I mean I'm the one that has to deal with them. Course the way Dr. Sarah Johnston tells it so does Spike. I'm leaking all my bad 'daddy issues' on him or at least I did.

Personally I just think it's the easy way out. Spike's got issues because I gave him issues. Yeah blame the Sire that'll work. Spike had issues before I entered his life. So what if I may or may not have made his life worse then it already was.

I'll admit, turning him into a vampire was wrong, but the way Spike tells it it's the best thing that happened to him, so I don't see what the problem is. He was happy with being a vampire before so what's his problem now.

Does it even have anything to do with being a vampire? Funny he told me what it was all about and I still can't seem to understand it. Of course he said he didn't understand it either. That's why he needed the help.

But I'm not sure I wanna go down that rabbit hole right now. There's just too much to deal with. I mean there's this place. Wolfram and Hart. I'm trying to run a business here. One that will rid the world of evil if I use the resources right.

I lost Connor so that he could have a better life and I got this place in the exchange. I want to at least get one thing right. And Cordelia. I just lost Cordelia. Am I really ready to be opening old wounds when the new ones are still so very fresh?

"Angel, could we um… have a word." I look up to see Wesley, Gunn, Fred, Lorne and Harmony standing in the doorway of my office.

"Um… I…"

"Good." Harmony says pushing her way into my office.

"We've got some important things to discuss." She's says as she smoothes out her pink skirt. The others follow her in although more hesitantly.

"Go ahead. Talk." I say in what I hope is a somewhat menacing voice.

"Well, we were just wondering if… you know… you were going to go to the… um…" Fred began.

I know it's wrong to try and stare down Fred. She's been through enough in her short life and although she's definitely become way independent these past two years she's still a little shy around me. I'm a bad man to use to that to my advantage, but this is really none of their business.

"What Fred is trying to ask is if you're going to go to Spike's therapy session today." Harmony asks. I remain silent for a bit to let them study me.

"I really don't see how that's any of your business. You're my employee." I say.

"Yes but some of us thought we were your friends. We're we misguided?" Wesley asks.

He's also gotten independent. He's not afraid of much and I can't blame that all on the Connor fiasco. He was heading towards that before. He'll do whatever it takes to fight evil. I guess it's all just part of the job.

"No, you guys are my friends… we're like a family… or at least I thought we were. I still don't see how any of this is your business." I say.

"Look, Angel man, I may not have exactly like Blondie in the beginning, but we get along now and I see the way you act around him. It's a wonder neither of you have staked each other yet. You're slipping and I know it's because of him." Gunn said.

"Well, then I have an easy solution. We get rid of Spike." I say with a smile on my face.

"Oh, hiding the problem isn't going to do it for you now, Angelcakes. Sure you could have probably hide him away for the next hundred years, but there's always the next hundred after that. Let's face it, Ange, family never goes away." Lorne says shuttering as if he's remembering his own family.

"And not only that, but Spike is a very valuable resource to have here." Wesley said.

"Wesley this firm is a valuable resource. Spike just likes to slice and dice demons because he's got nothing better to do. How is that a valuable resource." I say.

"You should know better then anyone how intelligent Spike really is. He says that you taught him most of what he knows. He helps more then you know. You just never want to know. Whenever Spike is brought up you always shy away from the subject." Wesley said.

"That's because he's a royal pain in my ass." I say.

"He is not. You just have some issues left over from your days of yore… days. I know that he can be a bit standoffish at times. He used to treat me like dirt, but I get why now. It was because of you." Harmony says.

"Not exactly what you want to say to get me to go." I say.

"But she's right Angel. I know you're all, brooding dark avenger super hero guy, but there's something more that we're missing here. Something that you haven't even admitted to yourself." Fred says.

"Yeah and it's screwing up your aura. I used to get a hint of it before. Nothing major just this longing for the past, but now I can actually see it it's so bright. Especially when Spike is around. There's something there that you aren't admitting to yourself." Lorne says.

What does he know? Just because he can read peoples futures and stuff. He thinks he's so smart.

"When it comes to Spike, there are a lot of things I don't like to admit to myself. Most of it bad things I would rather forget." I say.

"So what's the good things?" Fred asks.

"Huh?"

"You said most of it was bad. That implies that there were good things." She says.

"No that just means that there were bad things that I'm okay with thinking about." I say and of course even to my ears that didn't make sense.

"Well what are those things."

"Things Fred, okay. Just stupid things. Now can I please go back to work." I say.

"No because you've got an appointment to make at three and it's already two thirty. You're going to hit traffic if you don't leave right now." Harmony says.

"Maybe I just won't go then." I say.

"Don't be ridiculous Angel, you have to go." Wesley said.

"Why, what law says that I have to go? It wouldn't matter even if there were a law because news flash, I'm dead and I don't have to follow laws. I'm not going and that's that." I say and I think I won. They look ready to back off.

"You read anything off him Lorne?" Gunn asks.

"Nope, just the usual repression. Only this time it's more… potent." Lorne says.

"Oh for crying out loud. Can't I be trusted to make my own decisions?" I ask. They look a little skeptical and I wonder just how good of a leader I am if my troops are al uprising against me.

"Angel it's not that we don't trust you to do what's right, but…"

"No, English is wrong. When it comes to Spike you can't be trusted to do what's right for you." Gunn says.

"What mystical power do you think Spike has over me?" I ask in outrage.

They're acting as if Spike is some how some huge weakness of mine. He's not… most of the time. He was when I was Angelus. Major weakness. Why I don't know. I guess I was intrigued with him back then. He was a mystery… still is.

"We're not sure, but it works both ways. I always thought it was Dorksilla he was pining over, you know I thought she was the one that hurt him so bad, but apparently I was off the mark." Harmony says.

"Why is it my fault that he's got issues?" I ask.

"Well parents do tend to mess up their kids. I'd say the same goes for mentors and such." Wesley says.

"So it's all my fault. I screwed up and made Spike a psychopath." I say and it's meant to be sarcastic, but in reality it's kind of the truth.

I did turn him into a psychopathic serial killer that thirsted for blood. Had I just left him in that alley, had I not tried to mold him when I saw the spark of maniacal genius would he have turned out differently.

He certainly would never have made it past one. He would have served Dru's purposes and then gotten himself killed some how. He was always smarter then that though.

"Well, yeah, but that's not his problem Angel. I mean sure he killed a lot of people and that's bad and all, but he's got deeper issues. Things that come from you know… being abandoned." Fred says.

"Being abandoned?" I ask.

"Yeah by you. The way he talks about it sounds like you two had some sort of relationship going on where he adored you. He's very vague about it, but I can tell that that's what hurts him the most." Fred says.

"I already went through this with him. I'm not Angelus. I can't apologize for that and I don't think I want to. It's wrong to leave blood thirsty vampires because what they're doing is wrong, well this is news." I say.

"But don't you think it's weird that you were so different from how you were with Spike before the soul then how you were after?" Wesley asks.

"Who says I was different?"

"Spike does. The way he tells it you were almost human or something." Harmony says.

"Harmony I think I would remember the most how I was. I don't think I was any different before the soul then I was in Sunnydale." I say because thinking it over I don't really see the difference. I was evil and I was evil to Spike and it seems all the same to me.

"Yes, but can you answer fairly." Wesley says.

"What do you mean can I answer fairly?" I ask.

"What Wes here is trying to say, Angelcakes, is that because of your soul thinking that everything you did was bad, you can't exactly judge fairly. It takes an outsider to see your actions differently." Lorne says.

"Oh and Spike is a fair judge of that. He should be disgusted by everything that he did. All the people he killed all the lives he destroyed, but instead of taking blame for it he's putting it all on me. Well I'm sorry but I just don't see how he can be a fair judge of character." I say.

"You don't think he's hurting. He is. He hates how he was back then, but he's just not showing it because he's constantly going around fighting evil. Guy never gives it a rest. He goes out every night and looks for demons to slay. If he doesn't watch out one of them is going to take a pretty nasty chunk out of him." Gunn said.

"What do you mean he goes out every night looking for demons to slay? How come no one ever told me that?" I ask.

"He didn't want us to. He thought you'd think he was doing it for some ulterior motive… which he was right about." Wesley says.

"He's trying Angel. He said that in Sunnydale he couldn't exactly get used to having a soul. He said that he had to be strong for everyone… that um… that he was told he was better to them as the old Spike… the one that kicked ass. So instead of being able to be sad about everything he had to get up and fight. It wasn't his choice." Fred says.

I can tell just by the way she shied away a few minutes ago that she was taking about Buffy. That Buffy wanted the old Spike, the one that kicked ass back which is understandable. If he were really doing self-reflection he would be no good to anyone in an apocalyptic battle.

"So when he came out of the amulet he had no other way to act. He was still on the defensive not to mention the fact that he was incorporeal. It was how he was expected to act so he just slipped into the role. He said that when he was fighting you at the… well the fake housing of the fake cup that he learned something… that he had said something to you about you not knowing the real him." Wesley continues what Fred was saying before. I nod my head. I remember his speech about me not really knowing him and I guess it might have been true.

"Yeah, go on." I say not really liking that I'm showing that I'm listening to them, but I want to know what they have to say.

"Well he said that he didn't really know himself either. That he had been this false part of himself. That while the way he is, in one way or another, is still apart of him it's not the whole. That he needed to find out who he was and in order to do that he had to go back and examine every part of his life." Wesley says.

So if he's trying to find out who he is why does he need me there to do it?" I ask.

They're quiet for a long while. Like they know something that I don't know and they're wondering if they should tell me.

"I guess it's because you're such a big part of who he is." Lorne finally speaks up.

"Why do you say that?" I ask.

"Because it's truth. You were there for a lot of his crucial moments Angel. A lot of your character makes up his own whether you want to believe it or not."

I think about this for a second. Spike's been around for over a hundred and twenty years. I was only there for about twenty of them. I guess I'm having a hard time believing that my character makes up his character… I'm even having a hard time understanding exactly what it means.

"I don't understand what you're saying."

"Well, you don't have to really. You'll see over time. That's about all we can do for you. Ultimately, Ange, it's your decision whether to go or not, but if it were me, I'd go. Just for the laughs the situation will bring later on." Lorne says.

They all start to leave and I'm still left pondering what exactly it is that they mean. I guess this is why Spike is in therapy in the first place. He couldn't understand what anything around him meant.

I could go, what would it hurt. I don't think it would necessarily hurt anyone in particular. I could just go and see what it is that's wrong with Spike. Could be interesting too. And who knows maybe I'll learn a thing or two about myself as well.

I push down the intercom button and say, "Harmony hold all my calls for the rest of the afternoon… I've got somewhere to be a three o'clock."

A/N: It's not that long and I myself wasn't that happy with it, but it's a transition chapter and I just was sure how to go into the bar scene to the therapy session. Would it have turned out better if I had just gone straight to the therapy session, maybe, but then you wouldn't get to hear the group weigh in and I think that it's a pretty good thing I did that. It shows that they really are Spike's friends and I didn't just use that. Okay so REVIEW CAUSE I LOVE REVIEWS!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Like I said I'm going on an update kick. This is just one of my stories and it was due for an update so here it is. Now to tackle my Spuffy stories that haven't been update in close to a year. This should be fun!… NOT! Anyway ENJOY!

Spoilers: None this time

Disclaimer: Okay I don't own these characters. If I did there would have been some very tasteful threesomes between a certain bleached blonde vampire, a broody vampire and a smart mouthed glorified bricklayer.

Distribution: Go ahead! Just tell me where my baby's going.

Chapter 5:

I'm back at the Caremore building and back into the therapy mix. Funny how two hours ago I thought hell would have to freeze over before I'd be coming back here. It just goes to show how wrong some one can be… or in my case how persuasive my friends can be.

I'm not late this time, which can be either a good thing or a bad thing. Because I'm not late I have to sit for the whole hour, but because I'm on time I don't have to see that disappointed look that everyone seems to be having nowadays.

"Um I'm here to see…"

"Go right on in Mr. Angel. Dr. Johnston has been expecting you as has Mr. Spike."

The secretary says in a cheery voice. I really think Harmony should come down here and watch her work. She might learn something. I nod my head and make my way into the room.

I've been here before and I know what to expect. Accept I don't because instead of the room being blue its… green. A dark rich forest green. Everything is green. Even Dr. Johnston is wearing a green frock. This is odd.

"Wasn't this room… blue before?" I ask.

"Well hello to you too, Angel. Please have a seat." Dr. Johnston says. I guess she thought I was being rude, but excuse me if I'm a little… thrown here.

"It's nice that you decided to show up. Spike was a little worried that you wouldn't, but I assured him that you would." She says.

Spike is sitting in the seat next to me and he doesn't look as shocked as the first time, but he does look slightly… surprised. Pleasantly so though.

"About the room…"

"Oh right, well it mood changes. I told you I work with demons and some times they get offend by certain colors. To just avoid that all together I asked a shaman to cast as spell on the room to make the environment more... pleasant for the patient." Dr. Johnston says.

"Oh, well it's very… green."

"Well yes great observation, Angel, but we really must get to business. Now lets see where we left off." She says as she starts to look throw sheets of paper.

Spike fidgets nervously in his seat. He obviously doesn't like this part. I wouldn't either. She takes notes of her patient, which I guess all doctors would do, but to know that all your movements and words are being analyzed down on paper is just… creepy.

"Right we left off with your father issues." Dr. Johnston said brightly smiling like she didn't just untactfully say something that might offend me. I grit my teeth.

"I don't have father issues." I say.

"Sure you don't." She says and I can't tell if she's being sarcastic or not.

"Anyway, I would like Spike to talk more during this session. You seemed to take up a lot of our last few minutes last time." She says.

"Well, what do you want me to say?" Spike says speaking for the first time since I walked in.

"Well why don't we start by telling Angel your concerns. You know about your relationship." Dr. Johnston says. Spike fidgets even more. If he sinks anymore in his seat he's going to fall out.

"Um, well I guess I just think that the poof doesn't care about me. I mean he's never shown that he does. But that's not it. I mean I know he's got this whole… soul thing that he hides behind…"

"Hides behind! I don't hide behind anything!" I say.

"Shush, Angel this is Spike's time to talk." Dr. Johnston scolds. I scowl.

"Anyway, I just think he uses his soul as an excuse to not be happy." Spike says. Wait where did that come from? Spike wants me to be happy? Who said I wasn't happy?

"And why is it important that he's happy Spike?" Dr. Johnston asks. I lean in. I really want to hear this.

"It's not. I mean not really. I'm just trying to understand why he's always so… brooding." Spike says.

"I brood because I did terrible things when I didn't have my soul. And it makes me feel dirty. Don't you get that?" I say and I don't care if Dr. Johnston doesn't want me to talk.

"Well, hell Angel I don't know let's see. I have a soul. I did some terrible things. I feel really bad about them…"

"Oh you do. You don't seem to show it. I thought you loved being a vampire."

"Well yeah I do like being a vampire. I thought we already had this discussion. I like being a vampire because it's part of who I am, but I do feel bad about the people I've killed. It does hurt, Angel." Spike says and for the first time I do see that it does hurt him.

"Well, you don't show it." I say somewhat petulantly.

"I would. I really would. I mean I could be like you, but what would that accomplish. There would just be two brooding vampires in the world." He says.

"Why does your soul affect you, Spike? Why is it that you have a different reaction from it then Angel?" Dr. Johnston asks.

"I don't know. Maybe it's because I actually had time to think about it. you know weigh the options. I decided to get a soul. Angel didn't." He says and for the first time it isn't said in an attitude that would lead me to believe that he thinks he's better than me.

"I admire that you actually wanted your soul Spike." He smiles a bit.

"But I also hate you for it. Or well the soul hates you for it… I think Angelus might hate you for it too. Or maybe hate is to strong a word. I mean the soul part of me is…"

"Jealous?" Dr. Johnston says.

"Yeah, I guess. Yeah it's jealous. Because you did something I can never do. You went out and got your soul." I say.

"Because it makes you feel less special." Spike mutters.

"No because you now have something I so desperately want. And that's never really happened before." I say.

He looked over at me and it's the truth. I've always had things that he wanted. Dru, my time, Buffy. The one thing that I want… that I really want and he has it. he has it because he wanted it. and deep down…

"It does mean that you're better than me." I say.

"Angel, no one is better than anyone. Everyone is on the same playing field. It's just sometimes people act like they're better when they really aren't." Dr. Johnston says.

"He said it himself. He said he was better." I say and I don't remember being this petulant before.

"I didn't mean it. Not really. I mean yeah sure I went out and got my soul, but it was for selfish reasons. I mean I just… you would get your soul so you could help people. I got it just to…"

"Show off to Buffy."

"It's not always about Buffy." He says. "Then what is it about?" I ask.

He's quiet for a little while like he's thinking about the real reason he got his soul. It would be him though, to get his soul for a girl. He was always so damn romantic for his own good. That would be the ultimate test in love and loyalty.

"I got it to prove something to myself. I mean for once it was about me. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was. Because I didn't like who I was becoming. It used to be so clear you know." He says looking over at me with his big blue eyes.

He looks so helpless right now and I haven't seen that look since… William. Since he was first turned.

"I don't…"

"You know what I'm talking about. The killing and the blood lust. It used to be so clear. Then it started to get… unclear. I mean I tried… in Sunnydale after Buffy… well you know, but it wasn't good enough. I mean I was still a soulless evil vampire to them. But I didn't want to be that anymore. Somewhere along the line… I realized something." He says.

"What did you realize?" I ask.

I really am interested. That he could come to this conclusion without a soul. It's almost like he didn't need it.

"I realized that I don't think I ever was… you know that good at the killing and maiming. I'm just… needy." He says and I don't really understand what he's getting at.

"What do you mean? You were needy so you killed people?" I ask.

"I wanted your attention. I mean I needed it. And I needed the Scoobies attention. So I changed for them, but there was just too much… bad blood for things to ever be right. So I thought if I got my soul it would all be clear. It just made things harder." Spike says.

"Well what did you expect to happen. You expected to get your soul and then what everything would be crystal clear." I say.

"Well I didn't say it was a good idea. I just didn't like what everything was doing to me. I figured if I changed… but like I said you don't know the real me… but I don't know the real me either." He says.

"So then who does?" I ask.

"I don't know. I don't think anyone does." Spike says.

"So this whole thing is about finding the real you?"

"Sometimes we need others help to find out who we really are. What I'm trying to do with Spike is help him find a suitable path, but I'm afraid I'm not doing a very good job at it." Dr. Johnston says.

"What do you mean? You're doing a very good job at it, Doc." Spike says.

"No Spike. Sure I'm helping you dig through your issues and trust me when I say you have a lot of them, but I'm not really helping you. Not quite yet." She says.

"What do you mean you're not helping him?" I ask.

"Well Angel, I'm helping him sort through his issues as I said before, but he's still very self destructive." She says.

"I am not!" Spike yells.

I look over at him. He's got his arms folded across his chest and he's using his duster as a shield. It's weird that I can read him so easily and I have problems reading other people. Spike is very emotional. He wears his emotions on his sleeve and he's very rarely stoic or shut off.

"What do you mean self destructive?" I ask.

"Well he goes out every night and fights demons. Big demons. Now I know he's strong, but some of the time he comes in here with bruises and cuts so deep… I'm not sure what to do with him." Dr. Johnston says.

"I'm still in the room!" He yells. I already knew this of course. Gunn had told me earlier today. Just to here someone else say it… it's unnerving.

"I have to do that. What else am I good for?" He says.

"He didn't get that thinking from me." I say as I wonder where it could have come from.

"No of course not. You don't want me taking up your heroism. No, that little tid bit came from Buffy. Apparently I was better as badass Spike then as Spike with the soul." He says.

"What I can't believe she said that." I say.

"Yeah well trying being the one she directed that to." I know that Fred told me that Buffy had said something like that, but I didn't think she meant that she wanted the Spike without the soul around.

"She really said you were better without the soul?" I ask.

"Yeah, apparently I couldn't match up to you. Apparently she likes… pain." He says and he shies away from the subject. I don't know what the catalyst to Spike getting his soul was, but I do know it had to do with Buffy.

"Do you want to match up to me?" I ask.

"No, I want to be me, but I can't seem to do that. I've got this big… shadow Angel. And that shadow is you." Spike says.

"Well I think we've been very productive today. I would like you to come back next Wednesday if that's possible." Dr. Johnston says and I see that our hour is up. I nod yes.

"I would also like for you and Spike to spend some time together again. I think that the both of you are very good at talking to each other… when you put your mind to it." She says with a smile on her face. Spike smirks at her.

"Well, that's it for today. You both can go." She says. Spike gets up and bolts out of the door. I get up as well and get ready to leave.

"Oh Angel?" I turn around and face Dr. Johnston.

"Yes?" I say.

"I'd like you to come in… separately if you don't mind. I think there's some things we should discuss."

"I don't know." I say.

"Just try it, once. How does next Tuesday sound. At…" She checks her appointments.

"At two sound." She says cheerfully.

"I'll think about it." I say as I exit the room.

I walk out of the office and to the elevator. Spike's standing there swaying back and forth waiting for it too.

"So, this together time. Mulligan's again?" He asks.

"How about you stop by my pent house." I say and I'm not sure what prompted me to say that, but it's out in the open. He regards me silently for a second. Then a smile graces his face.

"When?"

A/N: I know I left it cliffhanger-y. I didn't want to, but I did. Sorry guys! anyway I hope I'm getting all the issues. I mean I know it's all open for debate, but I think that's one of the great things that Joss did with the show and it's characters. Okay please REVIEW! I LOVE REVIEWS!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: This chapter gave me a lot of trouble. I wasn't exactly sure where I wanted to go with it, but I had this outline that said I needed to do something with it. So out popped this chapter… it's okay. There's actually only like three more chapters until this story is done. I do have a sequel in mind… its going to be a dozy trust me on that one. Much longer than this little story. ENJOY!

Spoilers: None this time

Disclaimer: Okay I don't own these characters. If I did there would have been some very tasteful threesomes between a certain bleached blonde vampire, a broody vampire and a smart mouthed glorified bricklayer.

Distribution: Go ahead! Just tell me where my baby's going.

Chapter 6:

I was nervous. A lot more nervous then I thought I would be. I mean its just time with Spike right. We've shared time alone. Except that time was in a crowded bar with many other demons and people.

Either that or we're beating the crap out of each other. I don't know what possessed me to ask him over to my place. Like we can just sit around and watch television. I don't even watch television.

Of course it's too late now because there's only a few minutes before Spike is supposed to show up and he may be late, but he will show up. He'd do it just to annoy me.

So it's no surprise that there's knocking on my door right now and if I don't answer it then he's going to just knock harder. So I suck in some unneeded breath and walk over to the door.

"I brought chips." He says when I open the door.

He's holding three bags of three different chips. I'll never understand his obsession with human junk foods. He used to love chocolate back in the day.

"That's… nice." I say moving aside from the door. He walks in a little bounce in his step.

"So, what movies do you have?" Spike asks as he plops down on my leather sofa.

"Um… movies?"

"Yeah you know things people watch with popcorn and stuff. You do have popcorn, right?" He says.

"Um… no I don't have much. I have beer." I say.

"Beer's good… it's a start. But you don't have movies."

"Well… I'm told that my… tv has a lot of channels. Movie channels included." I say.

"Yeah, but movie channels always play stupid movies everyone's seen a million times. I thought you were going to rent some new ones… though I wouldn't exactly trust your judgement." Spike says.

"Rent movies?" I ask as I sit down on the couch next to him.

"You do know how to rent movies right. I mean I know you've been brooding for the last hundred years or so, but you have heard of Blockbuster right?" Spike asks and he's looking at me like he can't believe that I would be that far behind the times.

"Yes I've heard of Blockbuster. Look I wasn't thinking when I invited you here. It just kind of… happened. Look maybe we should just go out somewhere." I say.

"Fine by me. I was a little shocked when you asked me to come here. Thought maybe you had taken a blow to the head or something."

"Yeah, I guess. So where should we go?" I say looking towards him. We're silent for a few moments before he gets up and starts to pace his coat swishing back and forth. He runs his fingers through his hair messing it up so it isn't perfectly slicked back like usual.

"This is ridiculous." He says standing in front of me his hands on his hips. I'm not sure what he's talking about, but he looks kind of agitated.

"What is?"

"This." He says gesturing between the two of us.

"How…"

"Angel, we're grown vampires here. We've lived for over a hundred years… two hundred in your case. We should be able to talk about things like regular people." He says.

"We don't really have anything in common." I say.

"There's gotta be something we can talk about. Seemed like you had a lot to say before."

"Maybe I don't want to talk about that stuff anymore. Maybe we should pretend like none of that stuff happened." He frowns and then comes to sit next to me. He turns his body towards mine and I can feel him examining my face.

"But it did happen." He whispers.

I tense at the low volume of his voice. He so close right now and it's making me slightly uncomfortable.

"What do you want from me Spike?" I say turning my face towards his.

"I think I already answered that question."

"Yeah, but I'm not you. I don't sit and examine the hell out of my feelings. I mean I've always known that you… feel the need to talk about things when others don't want to, but I thought your attention span was a little to short… I don't know who you are anymore." I say and it's the honest truth because I don't' know who he is. Maybe he's right that I never knew who he was, but I always thought I knew the basics.

"You're not the only one. I don't know who I am with this soul. I mean before it I was trying to be good. Just feels so useless. Like instead of making things clearer it's making everything even more muddled."

"Well I could have told you that."

"But I don't think it's for the same reasons as you. I don't have voices in my head telling me that I'm evil. I don't feel bad about the things I've done. I just feel… I don't feel anything. I was kind of hoping that maybe you were lying about your soul so I could figure out why everything just feels the same as before." Spike says.

We're quiet for a few seconds and I can feel him waiting there for me to answer him or say something or do something.

"I don't feel like that… ever. I feel burdened down by all the bad things I did." I say. Spike nods and turns away from me.

"You know what, maybe talking about all this stuff is a bad idea. Definitely killing the fun." He says as he opens one of the bags of chips.

"So we're going to stay here?"

"Sure why not. I'm sure there's got to be something good on the telly. We just have to check out the channels." Spike says grabbing the remote.

I've been sitting here watching this movie for what seems like forever and I still don't get it. Spike said it was supposed to be a good movie, but I think he just likes the gore involved in it. I'm not sure what's happening, but it involves a lot of people running around doing crazy things.

And there's hired killers and talk about cheeseburgers in France. Right now they're cleaning out a dead body that the John Travolta guy, Vince I think his name is, accidentally shot. They just got done showing a boxer and this big guy I don't know who he is or how he ties into all this, but he hired John Travolta to watch his wife. And I think John Travolta is dead.

"Spike, Spike, I don't get this movie. Spike!" I say.

I look over to see that he's asleep and using his duster as a blanket. He's curled up in a ball and it's kind of cute. I push him a little trying to get him to wake up. He really shouldn't be tired. It's only ten o'clock.

"Wha?" he says and his eyes are still kind of closed.

"Are you tired? Do you want to go home?" I ask.

"What, no I was just resting my eyes for a minute. I'm not tired. So what's going on?" He asks.

"Oh, I was hoping you could tell me."

"Oh, right, probably a little too… yeah well where is it right now?" Spike asks as he sits up and stretches a bit.

"I don't know. They just stopped at some guys house and that guy from The Piano just showed up to clean it out." I say. He looks over at me with a puzzled look on his face.

"Movie's almost over Angel." He says.

"Yeah I know and I have no clue what happened. It was like little bits all sewn together." I say.

"Well yeah that was the point. Movie kind of works in flashbacks and things like that, but everything's connected."

"How?"

"Are you sure you didn't nod off to. It's really simple if you just watch it."

"Yeah I guess. Still doesn't make any sense to me. What about that robbery in the beginning?"

"Oh I can't tell you about that. It would ruin the ending." Spike says.

"Ruin the ending. This movie is ridiculous. I mean really does this kind of stuff happen everyday. I don't think it does. I think that this is all just cleverly crafted…" I stop when I realize Spike's head is leaning against my shoulder and he's asleep. He's asleep again.

"Spike…" I say but he just curls up closer to me his whole side plastered against my side.

I remember that weight. It's so familiar to me that I find myself leaning against him just a little. I move my arm around him and he just curls up closer to me and makes a little noise in his sleep. Why is he so tired? I don't know, but it must have something to do with the fact that he goes out hunting demons all night every night.

"Spike, wake up." He moves slightly at the sound of my voice and opens his eyes to look up at me.

"Bloody hell… I'm sorry Angel." He says moving away from me.

"It's okay. Just… just tell me why you're so tired." I say.

"It was a rough night last night. Didn't really get any rest. You know me I have to have at least eight hours of sleep or I'm no good to anyone." Spike says with a smile on his face.

"Maybe you should go home. We could do this some other time." I say.

"Yeah it's not like we're really doing anything. Sitting here watching a movie. We're not talking about anything important."

"Yeah, but we're not fighting. That's a step up from our former relationship. We're not yelling uselessly over stupid things which okay we could be if we really wanted to, but we're not." I say.

"I guess. Still… what are we going to go in there and talk about this Wednesday… assuming you're still coming." I look over at him and he's got a hopeful look on his face.

"I'm still coming. It's just… I don't like that stuff dragged up Spike. You gotta understand that everything I'm doing with my life… unlife is so that I can make amends for what I did in the past. I spend more than enough time thinking about the past deeds of Angelus. Why would I want to drudge it up on purpose?" I say.

He's quiet for a long time. It looks as though he's thinking something over in his head. What I don't know, but it must be something important because his forehead's furrowed and he's pinching the top of his nose.

"It hurts, doesn't it. The soul. Thinking about all those things that you did as an evil vampire. All of it hurts that you can't think about it because remembering it twists your stomach." He says. I nod.

"It doesn't for me. I think about all those things I did and… and I feel nothing. My soul doesn't hurt I don't feel anguish by it. I've killed thousands of people. I've killed Slayers warriors for the light and I don't feel anything about it." He says and there's pain in his voice.

"I'd rather feel the sting of all those murders of all that blood drawn then feel nothing. Then feel like this. Because what kind of evil person what kind of evil soul do I have that I can remember every single horrible thing that I did and not even care about it."

I look at him and wonder about what he just said. I feel tons of guilt over what I did and yet here he is killed just as many people as I have and he claims to feel nothing.

"Maybe… maybe its not that you're evil, Spike. Maybe… maybe it's something else."

"What else, Angel. What other explanation could there be? Maybe I don't have my soul. Maybe that demon fucked up." He says.

I shake my head.

"Even if I couldn't feel your soul I would know it was there. The Amulet remember. Only works on Champions with a soul."

"Maybe the Amulet was wrong. Maybe that bloody Wolfram and Hart was wrong. Maybe this is all just one big set up…"

"Spike you're sounding paranoid. You have your soul. I can feel it." I say.

"I know… I felt it… when Sunnydale became a crater. It felt good." He says and his voice is small sounding. So very William.

"It is good. Spike you aren't a bad person. No matter how much I say I hate you or say that you're not. It's just me feeling guilt about my shit. I think about everything that could have happened to you if… if you hadn't been turned. If I hadn't set into motion the events. You're right, I do feel guilty when I look at you. I did make you a monster. You weren't one before. Even as a vampire. Look you went out and got your soul all by yourself. I was cursed with mine. Maybe that's why it feels different."

Part of me is cursing myself for trying to make him feel better, but I can't help it. I think back to those times when William was a sweet thing denying his nature even after he was turned. He clung on to his human side long after he was a vampire and I always hated him for it.

Saw him as an abomination and no vampire living under my house was going to be like that so I turned him into a ruthless killer because it was fun and because it boosted my name, but also because I had to keep him from reminding me of being a human.

Had to keep him from making me feel human things. He is different. He was cut out to be a vampire, but Spike doesn't just give up. Not after he was pushed around so much in his life. I showed him a way to become more than he was. To prove himself to the world and he took it because he was so oppressed as a human.

"You know… I didn't set out to get my soul. I had done something really terrible and I wasn't sure what I wanted. It was so much easier to be a vampire Angel. To not care about things…"

"Before the soul you were that."

"No, I wasn't. I tried… I tried to be caring again you know like how I was for that little time after I was turned. And I did, but I had that reputation behind me… no one was going to believe that I was actually trying to be good. No matter how much I tried. They just kept spitting on me and then it just reminded me of… well Angelus. I thought maybe if I could become that blood thirsty killer again then things would be better."

"When did you realize that you wanted your soul?"

"I didn't. Not really. Not until after it happened. I guess it was a subconscious thing that the demon could sense. I tried to make sense of it afterwards and it did make sense because…"

"Being a vampire was never really in your nature."

Spike nods his head.

"But then I wasn't any good to them all weepy. I wasn't really weepy I just… I was trying to make sense of everything, but I picked the wrong time to get my soul back. There was a big battle…"

"It wasn't right of her to just expect you to be fine."

"You were. I think everything just got to her head."

"I wasn't. It took me years after the soul to get used to things. I was only a little better after the second time. I just can't understand why she would tell you that you were better without your soul."

"Because then she wouldn't have to feel bad about ordering me around. She got used to me being hired muscle. It's not important though. She's not a part of my life anymore."

"You don't want her to be?"

Spike was quiet for a few seconds as he plays with the loose threads on his shirt.

"I don't think I wanted her to be in the first place. I wanted to love her because she was good and maybe if I loved her, if I did things for her then that would make me good. I don't know I was just trying to fit in." Spike says with a smile on his face. I smile back at him.

"Never could be alone, huh William." He lowers his eyes a bit smile still on his face and then look back up at me blue eyes shining brightly.

I always loved those eyes. Before I can stop myself I'm leaning putting hand under his chin to tilt his head up a bit and then I'm kissing him. It's been such a long time since I've kissed him and his lips are still as soft as ever and he can still kiss better than anyone I've ever kissed before.

His hands are on my forearms and he's leaning in more almost sitting on my lap and my arms are around his waist and I'm pulling him closer as our kiss deepens. He's making those same noises I've heard him make before moving against me like he doesn't care.

There's just a hint of desperation in his kisses and it just makes me want to kiss him harder. Makes me want to pull him close and never let him go and there's something wrong here. I know there is because no matter how much I… care for Spike it doesn't translate into me pulling him onto my lap and kissing him like I'm kissing him.

I have to stop because this could get nasty. We're not supposed to be leaping into this. I'm not supposed to be leaping into this. There's too much I could loose by doing this. I can hear that tiny voice in the back of my head telling me I don't deserve this. Because I don't. Because any happiness I feel with Spike can't ever be acted upon.

I can't just go from hating him one second to throwing him down on my mattress and fucking him so hard he can't see straight and that was a bad thought. I'm having too many bad thoughts right now. Thoughts that include a naked Spike and all the things I could do with a naked Spike.

So I push him away and it's so hard to push him away. I don't want to push him away. I want to pull him closer, but that wouldn't be right for the both of us. Nothing can start right now. He looks only a little disappointed when I stop us.

"We can't do this." I whisper against his lips. He gulps and nods.

"You're… you're right." He says a little hoarsely. He gets up from my lap and picks up his duster.

"Besides I'm tired. I should really be getting back to my flat anyway." He says.

"Yeah right. You're tired. It's late." I say and I can only manage two word sentences.

He smiles at me and shrugs on his duster. That thing is like a second skin. I haven't seen him without it in a very long time.

"I guess… I'll see you Wednesday." He says and he walks to the door.

I wait a couple of minutes before I hear the door open and close before I start to brood.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: It's a little on the short side and it's one of those icky transitional chapters, but it's a chapter. Thanks to everyone who's still reading this.

Chapter 7:

The minute I step off of the elevator, I know something is wrong.

They're all standing there, various states of pissed off and Fred and Harmony have their arms across their chests. This does not bode well for me.

"Hey guys." I say.

"Don't 'hey guys' us, buddy. We know you haven't been to a single one of the therapy sessions in two weeks."

I had hoped they wouldn't notice, which is pretty stupid of me I'll admit. I haven't seen Spike around since I missed the first one. He kept asking if I was going to show up to the therapy session after our little get together in my penthouse.

I kept telling him yes because I had every intention of going and he would smile at me. Nothing overt, just a small smile like he didn't want anyone knowing that he was happy that I was going to show up.

But, as the time got closer, I just… I couldn't. I don't honestly know why. I just felt trapped. Like if I went I'd be going down the rabbit hole into something I wasn't so sure I wanted. Something I was almost sure was a bad idea.

So I didn't go and I didn't go the next time either and know this is my punishment.

"Look, I just… I don't think therapy is for me." I say as I take a seat in my chair.

"Well this isn't about you Angel. This is about Spike." Fred says.

"I know that." I say.

"So why are you being such an ass, man. It's just a little couch time." Gunn says.

"The past we have… the history we've accumulated… it's better to just leave that in the past and not talk about it."

"How is he ever supposed to get better for him, if you won't at least try to help?"

"That's not my problem." I say.

They're all glaring at me now and I can't believe it. I mean they're supposed to be my team, my friends and they're hanging all over Spike.

"How can you not want to help him? You seemed like you wanted to in the beginning. What changed?" Fred asks.

"There are… things… look, what about me? Why is everyone tiptoeing around Spike trying to make him better? Yeah he gets better if I admit all my deepest, darkest secrets, but what does that leave me with?" I say.

They share looks with each other, none secretive and it seems that they pick Lorne to be the one to speak up because he lets out a deep sigh and rubs his forehead.

"Angel, sweetie, we were kind of hoping you'd be able to help each other." He says.

I hadn't really thought of it that way. It just seemed like they were trying to make Spike's life better and maybe that's because I wasn't listening to what they were saying very clearly, but it just seemed that way.

"We're not asking you to start skipping around the office holding hands together, but… two birds with one stone, you know." Gunn says.

"It's not two birds with one stone." I say.

"Angel, most of us can't understand what you're going through. I mean I can barely even figure out what's going on in that pretty little head of yours and I've got the upper hand here. I think it would be good for you to talk about… everything."

He says it so secretively. Full of hidden meaning and I know about his ability to tell if someone's had sex, but I didn't have sex with Spike. Or maybe he can sense the kissing too.

I think maybe he does. Maybe he knows more and I kind of hope that he hasn't told anyone because it's fairly hard to explain. Not that I think Lorne doesn't have a pretty good idea about it all, but I think, if they're gonna hear it, they should hear it from me, not him.

By the way he's looking at me… I can tell that he hasn't told them. That he's waiting for me to drop that bomb and I lean back in my chair.

"Look… I get where you guys are coming from. Really I do. You think that if I talk about what's happened with me that I'll be able to… I don't know. I'm not sure what you guys are thinking is going to happen if I go there and talk about my past."

"Maybe you won't be as brooding." Gunn says.

"No, he'll always be that brooding. There's something bothering you. Maybe it has nothing to do with Spike. Maybe it was something to do with something we don't know about." Wesley says.

I'm not sure what he's talking about. I think I've been pretty much the same as I've always been. And yeah the whole incident with Connor really go to me. I'm not going to deny that. I think about him all the time.

I don't need Spike and his problems. Not when I have all of my own problems and that's why I don't want to go in. At least a big part of the reason. It's selfish, yes, and I could probably go into the therapy session and talk about everything that every happened between us, but it would unleash all my problem as well.

"I'm fine."

"You've never been fine, Angel." Wesley says.

"I'm the same then."

"I don't doubt that."

"So then what do you want from me?" I say.

"The truth, really. You're not afraid of the pain. You live with pain everyday."

"So then what would I be afraid, Wes." I ask.

He looks as though he's thinking about it for a few moments, thoughtful expression on his face. He opens his mouth a few times, nothing coming out and he looks frustrated for a few minutes before sound comes out.

"I don't know."

I stare at him for a few moments, looking at him as he shakes his head and seems to come with the realization of something.

"If you find out… maybe you can tell me." I whisper.

He looks up, something flashing on his face and he sighs.

"I imagine you'll find out before I do. At least… I hope you do."

It's the last thing he says before he walks out, everyone else staring at him oddly like he's some kind of deserter or something. They shake it off quickly and turn back to Angel.

"He may be able to let it go, but we're not going to. You made a promise Angel." Harmony says.

"I know that."

"So why are you going back on it?"

I like them, at least Fred and Gunn and Lorne and okay Harmony sort of grows on you like a fungus. I like them, but that doesn't mean I'm not annoyed with them.

"It's none of your business." I say, practically growl.

They all look a bit shocked. Harmony glares at me before stomping off, hair flipping behind her. Gunn and Fred stay a bit longer, both looking like they want to say more, but not sure what to say.

I watch as they make attempts, but, frustrated, they both leave.

"So… Wesley might not have any idea why you're pulling the avoidance card, but I think I might have some." Lorne says.

He sits down in the chair in front of my desk and I glare at him.

"Really."

"Might have something to do with the fact that you made out with Spike."

I glare at him.

"You can still tell."

"Not anymore, but when it first happened. Thought I was out of my mind, but then I realized it made sense. Old love… no one likes to remember that."

"I didn't love him."

"Maybe not the normal way, but you did love him."

"No, vampires can't love."

"So Spike never loved that Slayer, right. Buffy was her name."

"No." I say, but it's a lie.

Spike probably did love her, despite what he told me about not really loving her. Because Spike was always capable of feeling things that Angelus deemed as human.

"It makes sense. You always hurt the ones you love. You hurt Buffy because she made you feel human. Maybe it's the same thing with Spike."

"I hurt Spike because he was mine."

"To do with whatever you wanted right. Made you feel things. So when you got your soul, when you have your soul, you feel it stronger. And when you lost it you realized exactly what he was making you feel."

"Wow, Spike should go to you Lorne. You really nailed it." I say sarcastically.

The truth is… he's quite possibly right. Not that I'll ever admit that.

"I offered. He declined. Said I might be too close to the problem. You know I recommended Sarah."

"Of course you did."

"She's good at her job."

"Of course she is."

"And she'd just love to delve into your psyche."

"I bet she would."

Lorne smiles at me. Entwines his hands and looks directly at me. He studies me for a few moments before he opens his mouth.

"You're still doing it, Angelcakes."

"Doing what?"

"Punishing Spike because of how you feel about him. He doesn't deserve that. No one does really."

"So either way I lose."

"No, this way you both do. Are you really willing to make Spike's life terrible because you can't deal with your feelings?"

"I don't want to…"

"I know."

I scowl at him.

"You don't even know…"

"I can guess. You don't want to care about him. You don't know why you care about him. You don't want to examine anything about yourself that would make you happy."

"If I'm happy, it's not good."

"Who says it's perfect happiness? Who says the curse even exists with us here?"

I look up at him, startled.

"Does it?" I ask.

He smiles sadly at me.

"Unfortunately, it does. But that doesn't mean anything. You could get rid of it with all the resources here. But I don't think you'd have to. With Spike… you'll always remember everything you did. You'll never forget it."

I nod.

"But… that's really the point to it, isn't it."


End file.
